SATIRE: U.H. MEN’S ATHLETICS ONCE AGAIN HAMSTRUNG WITH SWISHY MONIKER

From AtomicMonkey May 15, 2013

New A.D. Ben Jay is flipping and flopping on his decision to install the “Warriors” as U.H.’s official nickname. In an effort to appease the progressive menehunes of Manoa Valley, he is now advocating reinstallation of the “Rainbow” theme.

The startling success of the June Jones years are a testament to how much easier it is to recruit athletically talented kids to a team call the “Warriors” vs the “Rainbows.” Jones had the good sense to get rid of the old albatross from the get go.  Can you just hear him on the phone with a young Davone Bess…”

Yes, son I want you to play for the Rainbows,”

“The what?”

“The Rainbows,”

“Did you say the fucking Rainbows?”

“Yes, Davonne.”

“[3 minutes of uncontrollable laughter] Scuse me coach, I just pissed myself.”

What the “Rainbow” promoters seem to ignore it that; A. The “Rainbows” were never very good and hardly worth memorializing, and B. since the ’60′s the LGBT community has sort of commandeered the rainbow motif. So, unless we’re going for the first openly gay team, we should maybe rethink this thing again before the “I’m so gay I shit rainbows” t-shirts go to press.

The “black” look and “shark bite” logo will once again give way to a “rainbow and unicorn” motif.

Dr. Jay seems to have completely caved on his previous position and tried to downplay the nickname controversy. “Hey, I used to work for the “Buckeyes,”…what the hell is a buckeye?” “You seen our mascot…it looks like a horse turd out there jumping around…I mean, who the hell really cares.”  Jay’s epiphany seemed to come on the heels of a late night meeting with the Governor.

What goes with “rainbows?” asked the Governor’s spokesperson. “Unicorns!” Meet “Horney” the new U.H. mascot.

“Well, technically I work for Governor,” said Jay, “And he has some real strong opinions about his “new day” agenda, which includes gay marriage and making Hawaii a kind of mecca for gay weddings.”

According to insiders, who wished to remain anonymous, the meeting between the Gov. and Jay was strained from the beginning, but Abercrombie insisted that macho, bullying in collegiate sports was counter to his “new day” image of Hawaii.”  No more Haka’s, no more acting tough, no more of this “tackling” stuff.

According to one un-named source, who apparently attended the early morning meeting, “Jay was told in no uncertain terms to ‘gay it up’ or start looking for a new job.”

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