Institute for Astronomy Discovers Black Money Hole in Kakaako (Satire)

The University of Hawaii’s renowned Institute for Astronomy has made another notable discovery about our universe. In an article to be published in next week’s issue of Science, IfA researchers will report they have identified a black hole metastasizing at the center of the University of Hawaii system. Careful measurements with the Hubble Space Telescope confirmed that this entity is pulling in energy and resources from throughout the rest of the system, thereby growing with increasing rapidity while the outer reaches correspondingly wane in strength. If current trends hold, the black hole will grow like a cancer and swallow the entire system within 2.34 decades, according to the IfA research team.

​Artist's rendition of black money hole in Kakaako

The researchers were alerted to the existence of the black hole by recent events – notably the total eclipse of the Chancellor of the flagship Manoa campus in June – that have galvanized the UH community. By tracking the flow of political influence and educational resources from space, the black hole was determined to be located in the Kakaako neighborhood of Honolulu, at the John A. Burns School of Medicine.

The black hole research led the IfA team to another breakthrough discovery, to be fully described in an article to appear in Nature in January. They found the signature of a new form of carbon in radiation associated with the black hole, and dubbed it “carbone” to indicate this form has an extra electron. This added negative charge makes carbone extremely unstable and is believed responsible for increased friction among carbon-based life forms.

Another noteworthy discovery was that there are four stellar gas clouds in the vicinity of the UH system. These gas clouds are rapidly collapsing into a gravity-driven solid state while behaving in a most peculiar way. The clouds seem almost prescient as they careen around the UH system so as to obscure the black Kakaako hole from observation while also deflecting masses of matter in its direction. The IfA researchers dubbed these condensing clouds with the appellations Green, Baker, Hedges, and Ushijima. The IfA team’s next goal is to use spectroscopy to gauge each cloud’s carbone:carbon ratio in order to estimate its potential to damage the entire UH system.

The researchers also detected other fascinating features of the UH system. One is the emerging development of another black hole at the West Oahu campus, which has been accreting materials for a couple of decades as high-ranking politicians surreptitiously broadcast gravity waves to siphon resources in that direction. For example, funding for the proposed-new-but-nevah-gonna-be College of Education building at Manoa apparently went down the wormhole created when then-Governor Ben Cayetano officially broke ground in 1994 and emerged at West Oahu. Over the years, various Manoa departments also discovered that critical new faculty positions they had spent years to get approved then mysteriously disappeared and, spookily at a distance, instantaneously popped up at West Oahu. IfA researchers are carefully monitoring the situation since the development of a black hole at West Oahu would create a binary system that could be extremely unstable as the two holes accelerate towards each other to an inevitable cataclysmic collision.

Another remarkable discovery was the identification of a pulsar at the center of the School of Nursing at Manoa, from which high quality faculty are regularly expelled or in which they are compressed into submission by the super dense dean at the core. The dean has only grown in power over time despite being targeted by numerous comets of faculty grievance. IfA discovered that she is protected by a dense cloud of Teflon particles placed around Webster Hall by top UH administrators of the past and present who have entered into a pact to neither see, hear, nor say anything about the School of Nursing’s extreme lack of qualified tenured faculty needed to mentor doctoral candidates and nurture Hawaii’s nursing doers and leaders of tomorrow.